How to Build Self-Esteem in Your Kids: Part 4
“I am afraid to show you who I really am,
because if I show you who I really am,
you might not like it–and that’s all I got.”
~Sabrina Ward Harrison
The Third Step in Building Self-Esteem in Your Kids: Your Child is Not His Actions
This is one trap that is very easy to fall into. Let’s say your daughter brought home her math test from school with a big red F on it. Does this make her a failure? What if your son totally dropped the ball (literally and figuratively) at the football game last night? Does this make him a failure doomed to a lifetime of nothing but failure?
No, it certainly doesn’t. It just reflects the level they are performing at in that particular moment in time. It has no indication on future performance or potential.
A Child is a Person Who Acts
A child isn’t their actions, they are just little people who are acting. These actions create reactions, or results. We are in complete control of whether we deem these results as good or bad. It really is your choice. As you learn to see your “results” as just feedback and an opportunity to learn and grow, all results become good. Mistakes are a chance to learn and grow.
If you excessively punish a child for their “results” you remove the learning opportunity that will benefit them for a lifetime. Punishment may correct the behavior, but the child is acting out of fear rather than a deeper understanding of cause and effect.
Now let’s make it absolutely clear that I’m not saying that there should be no consequences. There absolutely should be consequences – both good and bad – for deserving actions. What I am saying is that we should give our kids the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and help them through the process.
Mistakes: Roadblocks or Roadmap?
Have you ever heard that a rocket going to the moon is off course 98 percent of the time? That’s right. it’s only perfectly on target 2 percent of the time! So how does it ever get all the way to the moon?
Because it uses its “mistakes” or the times that it is off course as a roadmap to get itself back on track. Sure enough, through this constant re-correction process, it makes its way to the moon!
That’s what mistakes are for us in life. They are a roadmap to help us get where we want to go if we will use them as such.
60 Second Parenting Tip: 3 Easy Ways to Build Self-Esteem
It is really very simple to apply the third step in building your child’s self-esteem. All it takes is a little change in how you talk to your child.
If little Roger forgets to do his chores before running off to his friend’s house to play, instead of telling him, “You are so irresponsible!” separate the behaviors from the child and say something like, “I get really upset when the chores aren’t done,” and let him know the consequence such as no TV time that night or whatever works in your family.
Be sure to focus on the behavior and how it impacts you and the other family members rather than placing judgment directly on the child for their actions.
Here are 3 easy ways to fill your child’s self-esteem bucket to overflowing in 60 seconds a day.
Simply take 60 seconds out of you day and ask your child one or all of these questions:
- Do you know that I love you just for being you?
- Do you know that you can achieve any dream you really want?
- Do you know that all you will ever need is already inside you?
While you are at it, try asking yourself these questions. They are very powerful and will take the lid off you realm of possibility and fill your own bucket as you are filling your child’s. Then you will both be ready to go out and face the world.
